


Fucking Around with Inglourious Basterds characters

by Dieter_Kieter



Category: Inglourious Basterds (2009)
Genre: ALDO RADIATES AMERICA, Angst, Chasing after the j e w s, Crossdressing?, Dieter looks like a sad chihuahua, Donny looks like a discount cody ko, F/M, Fredrick is s a l t y, Hans equals Bottom, Hans has bad cardio too, Hans likes dresses now I guess lmao, Hermann is a s o n, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Lowkey everyone has bad cardio apart from Zoller, M/M, More tags to be added, Oop, Other, Satan dont kill me, Slurs, Stupidity, Violence, With your favorite hosts Hans and Dieter, aw yeah I cant write B), just for fun, oops Dieter has shit cardio, the boys, what am I even doing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-10-21 13:07:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20694023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dieter_Kieter/pseuds/Dieter_Kieter
Summary: Just fucking around with the characters from Inglourious Basterds.Might write some serious bullshit if its angst or smut or whatever.I suck at staying within the characters personality so if I make Hans a total manwhore or Archie too sarcastic I apologise- especially to the man himself Quentin.//Grammar will be off most likely cause I write these pretty late at night but- dont be a graMMAR N A Z I Im a fucking comedic genius, just kidding F.//





	1. Deals dont always go right- especially with mangy dogs

**Author's Note:**

> Hans terrified for his life cause hes a little bitch but we love him for that so F.
> 
> //Also- while I'd love to hear criticism, I'd prefer if you didn't tell me on this story because Im just fucking around with different story ideas, on another writing I'd be glad to take some criticism but now isn't the time.// 
> 
> //Also uhhh sorry this kinda changes perspective really weirdly- Im tired and Im writing this without a plot idea in mind lmao//

Hans could hear the deafening scraping of a weapon against stone- it wasn't a gun, wasn't a dreaded knife... A baseball bat. He quickly scampered, boots clicking against the cold hard stone that still had slight stains and splatters of Nazi blood.

_thwack, thwack, thwack_

Hans shuddered but kept his pace up, that was the noise that not even Racthman could face without losing just a bit of confidence. 

He could hear the slight echoing of laughter from the other Basterds as they probably could hear his shiny boots run and run against the floor- fucking dogs. 

_'She was as damned as she was free, I was doing her a favor' _ He snapped to himself in his mind, Bridget didn't deserve her fame. 

Now these filthy diseased mutts were after him, one of them just seemed a little more- **_aggressive_**\- than the others. 

_"Get him good, Donny!" _

Fuck.

He panted heavily, his legs ached and his lungs screamed. 

Was he really going to get killed like Dieter or that horndog Fredrick? Hmph.

He skidded to a halt at the end of a depressing hallway. (imagine where you think they are rn lmao)

He quickly backed himself up against a wall, the sharp splinters digging through his slightly dirtied trench-coat. 

His gloved hands gripped at the edge of a gun in his belt- he had no other weapon on him apart from a knife in his boot.

His hands traced the sleek silver thing, it was cold against his hand and it surely was going to at least hit one of them- or so he hoped it was one of them and not himself. 

His heart pounded as he stood there, hearing the riled hooting from the dimwits that were walking slowly in pace- possibly trying to intimidate him into giving up?

The clicking of shoes and boots got closer and closer, throwing Hans on edge and on the verge of a shooting frenzy.

_'No- wait, just wait- let them be the ones to fall prey' _his mind hissed towards him, slightly calming him down. He couldn't shake the feeling of a moral deprived shoot out, however- just kill everyone and leave like nothing happened.

_'Isn't that what you did all those years ago in France?'_ his thoughts slurred. Hans could still remember the sobbing of Shosanna and the bangs that erupted from guns of Nazis.

He shook his head lightly, his vision dazed. 

"Boo," a familiar American barked. 

Hans jumped out of his skin nearly and quickly dashed to the left, away from the voice.

He instead ran into warm flesh, Donny. 

"Whatcha' scared for, princess?!" Donny jeered, Hans could feel his veins go ice cold yet boil at the same time.

The other Basterds snickered among themselves and laughed like the mangy hounds they were. 

Hans looked up at Donny, his own blazing hazel eyes meeting that of Donny's deep dark hatred filled brown ones that could be mistaken as black- black certainly was a good color on him. 

Hans held tightly onto his gun, waiting for them to start the fight so he could maybe save a few bullets. 

"Not so talkative now, huh, Hansy boy?" Aldo jested, a smirk plastered on his face.

"N- No, I- I just..." Hans began, his voice shaky and timid unlike that booming confidence he had earlier. 

"You what?" Utivich cut in, Aldo gave him a pat on the shoulder for that.

"I'm tired! Yes, just very tired!!!" Hans laughed nervously, backing up slowly away from Donny and the more violent Basterds. 

'_God, what the Hell was that, Landa?' _he mentally slapped himself for that. 

"I'm sure Donny could take care of that for you, couldn't ya, Donny?" Aldo the Apache hinted towards the tall young male.

"Of course, I could give you the best nap of your life! Although it'll last for a little more than an eternity!" Donny bellowed, Hans didn't find any of that funny or humorous. 

Donny raised that cursed bat and slowly walked towards Landa, it was really like being cornered by a bear. 

Hans' heart started beating quicker and faster, he had to think of something and fast.

"w-Wait!" Hans cried, eyes tearing up ever so slightly.

Donny clutched onto the bat slightly harder. 

"What now, slut?!" Donny snapped, his bat ready to bash Hans' head in just like he did to all those other poor fools. 

"How about..." Hans began, fear and confidence fighting in his eyes. "How about we make a d-deal!"

Donny's eyes changed ever so slightly from pure anger to curiousness- same went for all the others.

"What kind of 'deal', Hans Lanndahh?" Donny drawled his last name, an attempt to enrage him possibly.

"Well, a good one, that's for sure!" Hans croaked, trying to tidy up his trench coat hurriedly. 

"He's probably lying!" Omar piped up, verdammt noch mal.

"Ich schwöre bei Gott, ich Lüge nicht!" Hans snapped back, his teeth sharp.

"English, princess!" Aldo retorted, he wasn't about to learn Nazi tongue to understand this fucker.

"I swear to God, I'm not lying!" Landa hissed, you could swear foam was about to start fuming out of his mouth. 

The emotions in his head were clashing as Hans stood there, hastily trying to come up with something to convince them not to bash his head in and throw his scalp into their little collection. 

"W-Well, let's see! I can offer information if you don't kill me!" Hans smiled, his heart still pounding. 

They stared at him, intrigued with what information he might hold. 

Hans shifted onto his left leg, surprisingly he hasn't fainted yet. 

"I could also work as a translator!" Hans squeaked, he was proud of this ability but information might as well be more useful for them.

Aldo nodded his head slightly, Donny and the other two turning to look at him for an answer- the alpha and his stupid drooling dogs.

"Can ya translate what your damn Nazi friends say?" Aldo asked, they could figure out what the Nazis were planning if they had a man fluent in several languages on their side.

Hans fiddled with his gun for a moment, flustered and clearly distressed. 

"Well- can ya?!" Aldo barked.

"Wh-Why- I- I can!!!" Hans yelped, nearly dropping the marvelous silver gun he held now tightly to his chest. 

_'Oh dear Hitler, youre fucking this up' _ his mind lamented. 

Hans looked towards Donny, the man looked sincerely bummed out from not being able to bash his skull in- _wunderbar_. 

\---

_~Several Hours Later~_

\---

Hans sat there in the chair, battered and bruised, ropes binding his arms behind his back and his ankles together- fantastic.

Turns out deals don't usually end how you want them to- Of course Hans knew that, but this time he couldn't slap some bullets into someone and call it good... Fucking filthy canines. 


	2. Hans but he's kind of a slut II Verbatim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oop am inspired by the song Verbatim by Mother Mother aka this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqDGahB3y4I) and the words "and I cross my legs just like a queer" and "its a phsomethiungsomething symbol makes me laugh" reminds me of Hans so uhhhhhhhhhhhh ahahahahahahauauahauahaha take this, sluts
> 
> just took a shower so sorry if this is bad cause showers make me overly tired F

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the plot is kinda everywhere but it also contains some Hans/Hermann cause I think that Hans in the movie mightve been bisexual or gay
> 
> Also Dieter is H O T ok just saying

The black dress like uniform fitted his curves perfectly, outlining his scrawny form of a Nazi soldier.

It was perfect...

Not everyone knew of Hans' late night activities apart from his trusty lapdog he called Hermann- _if someone else knew he'd have to kill them otherwise the Fuhrer and Josef wouldn't be so happy_. 

He ran his black-gloved hands up and down the uniform, his amber eyes solemn and his heart beating against his chest wildly. 

Hans looked at himself in the mirror, he could compare to the likes of Brigette if he wanted to. 

Hermann sat on the bed in the dusty room, patient and smiling as he watched the Col get ready to go to the Resturant with Goebbels, Major Hellstrom, the infamous Fredrick Zoller, and even more equally formally dressed Nazis. 

Now, Hans wasn't going to wear this to that damned restaurant, that'd be embarrassing and besides- he had been called a Queer enough. 

"Sir, we have till 14 minutes till we have to leave."

Hans Landa turned to his lackey, eyes filled with lust and pride- exactly how Hermann liked them to be.

"Alright," Hans mumbled.

He walked his way to the bathroom of the hotel room, every step felt like he was high or somewhere in Space. 

\---

He stripped off the black dress, however, he left on the fishnet stockings that made him feel better about his appearance and body.

He quietly hummed a soft tune, quietly dressing in the regular uniform that was expected of him, a dull green- eugh, green was never one of his favorite colors. 

\---

He stepped out of the bathroom, seeing Hermann was fully ready to leave and go see his superiors, peers, and lower ranking idiots. 

Hermann opened the door to the Hotel room, a polite gesture. 

Hans stepped out into the bleak hallway, it was fancy but yet looked like it was about to collapse and cave in at any moment like a house in Poland when the Germans invaded. 

\---

They quietly walked to the car, Hermann keeping his pace up with that of his superiors, smiling all the way like a child. 

Rumors had picked up a while ago that they had a sexual and romantic fling, Hermann never listened to them although Hans worried in his head that it would ruin his career and get him killed- or worse, sent to one of those _disgusting filthy camps._

\---

They reached the restaurant, a pretty little fancy place. 

They stepped inside, Hermann slightly distancing himself from the Col cause he knew Hans' liked to do things his own _certain_ way.

Hans saw a few familiar soldiers, even a few who violently believed the rumors of him and Hermann, delightful. 

Hans watched from a slight distance as he watched Major Hellstrom walk with a vaguely familiar girl to a table where Goebbels, his translator (which Hans was certain was in love with Hitler's second man), and the star of it all- Fredrick Zoller. 

Now, Hans did have to admit Dieter and Zoller were quite attractive men who could compare to Aldo the Apache in the looks department.

Hans' could feel that same lust rise up in his body as his heart began beating loudly again, was he really a queer? 

He shook his head slightly as he stalked off, maybe to just drink with a few old friends or even laugh as drunk soldiers snapped insults at each other like dogs.

\---

He hissed slightly as he pushed up against Hermann outside of the restaurant against a stone pillar that was decorated by dents and even a few cigarette smudges.

The friction between their pants was enough to send them both into a hot mess.

Hans' hair was untidy and Hermann was struggling to hold back groans as they rubbed their crotches together, a break from the loud soldiers and ladies inside the building. 

_"God, I love you" _Hans sighed, his heart calming down as he laid his head on Hermann's shoulder, his body tired and his knees weak- Guy friends gotta help other guy friends out, yeah? 

_"I love you too," _Hermann whispered, tuckered out already even if he was used to helping Hans relieve his tensions and urges.

They stood there, Hans' head on Hermann's shoulder and the wind blowing softly, the rumors might've been right about something.

\---

They got tidied quickly outside and went back in to continue about their business, Hermann scampering off to probably go chat to a pretty lady.

Hans wandered over to the table where he saw that girl, Major Hellstrom, Joseph Goebbels, Fredrick Zoller, the translator, and the vaguely familiar girl- probably Zoller's new girlfriend that he, of course, will dump within a few days. 

"Ah, Landa! You are here." Goebbels exclaimed, his voice high pitched and welcoming. 

Major Dieter stood up faster than a speeding bullet and stood still, after all, Hans was superior to him rank wise. 

Hans stood there quietly as well, smiling like he was supposed to do at an event like this.

"Emmanuelle, this is Colonel Hans Landa of the SS." 

"He'll be running the security for the premiere." 

He reached for the lady's hand and kissed it like any other would do when greeting a woman who sat with powerful men that could slash her throat if they wanted to. 

"Charmed, mademoiselle." He chirped, hiding up the usual coldness in his voice with a perky one- nobody would ever find out about the activities beforehand and his true personality with that voice.

The translator was quick to announce that she and Goebbels had an appointment to get to, fantastic. 

"Actually, in my role as security chief of this joyous German occasion, I'm afraid I must..." He trailed, "Have a word with Mademoiselle Mimiuex." 

Fredrick Zoller was quick to respond, not too surprising he'd be defensive of his new lady.

"What sort of discussion?" 

Now he had to deal with this brat while keeping a polite tone.

"That sounded suspiciously like a private questioning the order of a Colonel," Hans began. "Or am I just being sensitive?"

Luckily he couldn't get his ass beat for that by an upset Goebells who was ready to defend the boy since of course- star of the show gets the best treatment. 

"Nothing could be further from the truth, colonel." Zoller meekly said, a coward in wolf's clothing. "Your authority is beyond question, but your reputation does precede you."

Hans quickly tuned out the boy as he stood there, waiting for him to shut up and leave- he could care less if this kid loved the girl or didn't.

"Hans, the boy means no harm..."- Joseph stepped in-"He's simply smitten. And he's correct. Your reputation does precede you."  
  


\---

Hans was back home again- or well the hotel room- after visiting the Resturant and talking to that woman and checking out the cinema, freedom at last.

Hermann rested on the bed, tired and ever so tipsy. 

Hans rarely ever drank alcohol so he was just tired from putting up with others stupidity. 

He looked into the mirror, fixing up his appearance and removing his uniform, he thought about the restaurant. 

He recounted in his memory the word 'Faggot' possibly being muttered by Zoller as he walked away to let Hans talk to the Cinema owner- maybe even a 'Queer' from Major Hellstrom- oh well, he was used to it. 

He carefully slid on the same black uniform like dress on again, feeling the thrill rush through his skinny body. 

He stroked the material, back at his parents home he dad berated him for wearing things that could be seen as feminine or rentboy clothing- he didn't understand the appeal. 

Hans snapped out of the memory of his dad yelling at him to go change to Hermann whining over on the bed.

"Hansssss," he dragged his Col's name out like a brat, "Come sleep with me, please."

How could Hans ever say no to Hermann- his sweet lapdog who kept his secrets like they were gold to a poor old farmer- Hans lightly smiled as he wandered over to the bed. 

He got onto the bed, Hermann scooched over to make room- although Hans was shorter than him and slightly skinnier. 

Hans crossed his legs on the blanket as Hermann smiled gently and laid his head on Hans' thighs. 

He could hear the other Nazis just scream in his head 'you are just like a queer', maybe he was... What did it matter? 

He chuckled as he looked at the Nazi flag outside that waved proudly in the wind- it stood like nobody could strike it down, was that what people saw in soldiers like Hans and Fredrick Zoller? Possibly. 

Hans stroked Hermann's hair softly, his heart thumping _just a little_ too loudly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOP lowkey hate this tbh but I had fun messing around with Hans mightve been doing around that period although I rarely write smut and fluff (more of an angst guy) I write too much of Hans I swear to god. 
> 
> Honestly, have a headcanon that Hans constantly denies he's homosexual but he knows he is at the same time- and he loves Hermann to death cause he trusts him a lot- and Zoller plus Dieter hate Hans cause he geTS MORE PUSSY THAN THEM OOOOOH no but uh yeah, I hope you enjoyed? This was more for fun than anything 
> 
> Really wanna do an animation of Hans to the song cause like its just a good ass song??? I'll stop rambling now lmao, hope you at least enjoyed some of it. 
> 
> //also couldnt get all my ideas into this but that can come another time//


	3. Hans and Dieter fuckin round in the woods with their shit cardio cause thats good content

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two boys Major Dieter Hellstrom and Col Hans Landa chasing after a jEw and freaking out at each other cause theyre two fucking losers who have shit cardio.
> 
> this is the content ya'll came for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why but in my headcanons Hans and Dieter absolutely suck at running- whether it's their old man bones or the fact they aren't athletic, I'll never know.
> 
> Just a shitpost honestly before I go work on Art lmao, I had this idea this morning cause my cardio is complete s h i t and Idk just kinda *ran* with it. 
> 
> Not my best writing, of course, this fanfic is anything but good and serious so ya'll can keep your criticisms for a story I'm actually trying to write well.

Dieter hit the brakes on his running to take a few well-earned breaths- his breathing was harsh and near the point of wheezing like a kid with asthma who lost his inhaler.

Hans also slowed down and bent over slightly to grip onto his knees for support, he never really was an athletic kid.

"Yo- You said," Dieter began, taking a deep inhale. "This wouldn't- take more than a-" he paused to calm down. "A minute!" 

Hans glanced at Dieter awkwardly.

"Well, I'm s-sorry I don't know how fa-fahahahast jews can run," he hissed, one hand clutching onto his hat to prevent it from falling off.

Dieter rolled his eyes, this had been a stupid idea.

Both men panted heavily, dying of exhaustion and thirst. 

Dieter suddenly wished that German idol Fredrick Zoller had gone along with Hans Landa to chase after a jew- but oh well.

"O-oh my gahd," Hans seethed, amber eyes widened in distraction and surprise- what he was surprised about, who knows?

"What, are you having an orgasm?" Dieter sarcastically replied, done with this bullshit.

Hans laughed lightly, although it was quite wheezy- they had been close friends for a while now, both sharing a hatred for other Nazis and being well-respected individuals.

"Just leg pain," Hans sighed. 

Hans shakily began walking again- he should've tried harder at boot camp.

Dieter slowly moved his legs as well, seeing the jew run off into the woods even further.

"Oooh you gotta be kidding me," Dieter barked, the jew certainly could run fast and far.

"Shut your trap and help me chase him so we can keep our goddamn jobs," Hans snapped towards the taller and slightly thinner male. 

"Alright, alright, jeez..." Dieter conceded, gloved hands raised in mock surrender as they walked slowly through the silent woods. 

After a few moments of silently walking, trying to calm their beating hearts after running at least 2 miles, Hans piped up.

"So, you ready to get back to running?" 

Dieter's eyes fell onto Hans, looking at him like he was insane.

"And bust my lung- again? I'd prefer to die of my cigarettes than of doing basic exercise, thank you." 

They both lightly snickered at that, acting like old friends that just got back into the swing of things.

They both calmed down, although Hans was still smiling at the dark joke.

"We should be chasing them, huh?" Dieter remarked, exhaustion seeping into his tone as his usual cold persona was wrapped up in his tiredness.

Hans shrugged, he didn't really care, to be honest- it was like that deal back in France with that Shosanna girl, shoot her family, make her think youre going to kill her, then leave.

"Well, Major, I'd presume if we sweep this under the rug- Our superiors won't have to know and then-" Hans paused for effect- "BAM! We'll still have respect!" 

Dieter looked at him with those dull eyes, a few sparks of appreciation in them.

"That plan is decent... I'm too tired to run anyways."

Hans acknowledged Dieter's approval and turned around on his heel, walking back towards the place where Hans' lapdog was waiting with the vehicle. 

Dieter lightly chuckled at that and turned around too- although this wasn't his proudest moment and he'll probably regret it later when he's less delirious, it's just one 'slip up'.

"Race you back to the car?" Hans sarcastically jested towards the male with the black hair- knocking his elbow up in his direction to playfully hit him in the shoulder. 

"God, no." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IFHHGF I HAVE NO REGRETS WRITING THIS TBH
> 
> BUT I HATE MY WRITING AND FHXHE DIETER IS SO OUT OF CHARACTER AND SO IS HANS IM C R Y I N G
> 
> Hermann is lowkey a babey and Zoller is too smh.
> 
> Be thankful you didn't get my other idea "Four Nazis playing Uno like there is no tomorrow" where they argue and backstab each other a ton because Im a sucker for Uno.


	4. oops my hand s l i p p e d II Archie Content

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> finally doing something with Archie- mr tea man as my stupid american mind calls him cause british people always automatically like tea apparently (sarcasm btw for yall who are slow to catch on)
> 
> cause I also have been writing about Hans too much cause hes the only one I really have a decent grasp of the appearance/story on F.

So- this is what being among the Basterds felt like- cold, harsh, unforgiving, yet like family...   
Amazing.

It was like a ragtag group of boys running about London causing trouble- yet with more murder and bloodshed, as one would expect from Nazi killers.   
  
He quickly walked along with Aldo the Apache or as his real name was- Aldo Raine, fancy. His brisk pace was accompanied by the clicking of his custom baby seal fur leather boots. (only some of you will get that reference smh)   
From what he had been told, they were fighting in a basement, not too shabby of a place to fight but also _very_ dangerous...

He sighed as he quietly recollected his thoughts while Aldo was peering in.  
This was going to be a long night- or even a short night if it went to plan.

Well known actress Bridget Von Hammersmark would also be there and he along with the infamous Hugo Stiglitz would be with her acting as body guards.  
Yet somehow, he felt a slight dread creep up as he walked down the staircase- noticing the major amount of Nazis that were either drunkenly yelling, laughing, or sitting there awkwardly.   
  


\---oOPS Im running out of motivation and its late at night so MEGA TIME SKIP---

oops he's dead now.

I ran out of motivation

Im sorry

I'll edit this later but for now just take that 


End file.
